The Big Four Unite (and do cool stuff)
by definitly-not-a-crazy-person
Summary: All Jacks fan dreams come true and he hooks up with the other seasons. It turns out, however, that nothing as it appears to be. If this is revenge for that one time Jack beat him at dance mat - then Pitch has gone too far!
1. Meetings and also Sass

**The Prologue of this story is called Summer Romance (but I don't know how to link things here). You can get away with not reading it - but it's recommended you do,**

**thanks for reading :)**

It was a lovely day and everyone was having a rather good time. Except for Jack, because he's all emo and stuff. He was sitting in a tree.

"Buh, why oh why must I be in love with a stomach…" he said wistfully. He was of course referring to the spirit of summer – a magical haggis he met in Pitch's lair not long ago. Jack had never met someone that looked so tasty. He loved a girl with a bit of meat on her too. He had been neglecting his duties recently. It was autumn now, and that's when he liked to start freaking people out with his crazy ice parties. No one noticed really – because they couldn't see him. But the trees always freaked out and got naked.

He blinked and looked up at the yellowing trees. There was a gust of wind and leaves started blowing everywhere.

What!? Jack was so confused – cos the trees were getting freaky without him. He didn't know they did that. He heard a crunch below and looked down to see a sassy looking Viking boy. Jack was also confused because 1. He was a Viking and 2. Jack was in rural Africa and 3. Jack was in a palm tree and he didn't even know they went brown in autumn.

"HEY" He yelled down "wassagoinowan!"

To his surprise the Viking boy turned and looked straight at him

"He's so sassy" Jack whispered to himself.

"You know, I can hear you." Said the boy. Jack was well shocked. He got out his laptop and did a quick tumblr search.

"Aha!" he said, "You're the spirit of Autumn, Hiccup!"

The boy looked taken aback, then kept his cool and was all 'yeah, and what'. Jack was super excited because this meant that the big four WERE real and that he, Hiccup, some other person and his beloved Haggis where going to hook up for awesome fun adventure and peril times.

"We must find the spirit of Spring" Jack said really grandly – like that lion you see at the beginning of movies sometimes. (So grand).

"Oh" said Hiccup "you mean Rapunzel".

At this point Hiccup was pretty sure Jack might think he was cool and sassy, so started doing breakdance freezes. They weren't very good, but they seemed to work.

'Woah' thought Jack 'He breakdances and the next one raps. I wonder if I'm street enough' Jack looked worried and started doing breakdance poses too.

"Ye blud" Said Jack "Streetz man, I rate it. Letz bounce man – go n' get Punzrapelman like a ninja mate"

Hiccup gulped. He was in way over his head – Jack was too street for him, and also sounded like he might have a knife.

Hiccup did a super freaky dragon call and Toothless came bounding over the hill. He was eating an impala (they were still in Africa). Hiccup climbed on and turned to Jack. Jack was pretty shocked, but brushed it off like a gansta.

"Sweet ride man" he said. And off they went

They landed somewhere in Germany or somewhere (Jack wasn't really paying attention because he was concentrating on being gangsta. It was proving to be really hard and was quickly deteriorating into cockney)

"Awrigh' mayte, we nearly there then eh?" he said.

"Ja man, day iz jast behind dos trees man" (Hiccup was becoming slowly more Jamaican)

They landed and dismounted. Then nothing happened. Jack looked up, and saw the sky. And then he looked down: grass. There was trees and stuff around.

"Soooooooo" Jack said "what now."

"She's right there" Hiccup pointed at a rabbit hole. Jack gasped.

"PUNZELRAPMAN IS A GIRL?!" He yelled "AND ALSO A RABBIT!?"

Jack looked down at the rabbit hole where a girls head had appeared (not a rabbit). She had crazy long hair, crazy long eyebrows, and a crazy long ladystache*. (*that's a moustache, but if you're a lady)

"Dudes!" she was well grumpy "I was sleeping!"

Hiccup raised his eyebrows, quite sassily

"I was painting!"

Jack raised his eyebrows too – really high.

"Ok, ok, I was on the internet." She pouted. Jack started pouting too. Hiccup whacked him and told him to stop pouting. "It's not even spring yet – what's the dealio?" she said.

"We have to go on a quest – to defeat Pitch" Jack said. Both Rapunzel and Hiccup were intrigued.

"Oh no, what's he done now" Rapunzel said

"Lots of things, umm, that are bad… but first we have to find the spirit of summer!"

"Why bother" said Hiccup, "She's, like, right behind you"

Jack was filled with joy as he turned around in slow motion and made to leap forward and embrace his love. His face turned to shock and confusion when he saw her.

"You're not a HAGGIS!" He exclaimed.

"Whaaaa?!" said the girl infront of him. It was Merida, in all her scottishy curly glory. (she was also carrying popcorn).

"I used to ship us, but then I thought you weren't real, and then I thought you were a haggis!" Jack explained. The girl paused.

"Whaaaa?!" she stood with her mouth agape "Aye thought we were having the Season-Spirits-Only movie night. Oo's this joker?" he pointed at Jack. Hiccup and Rapunzel shrugged.

"You guys have Season's movie nights!" Jack exclaimed "WITHOUT ME!?"

Jack didn't like movie nights – he hated guardian movie nights. But not being INVITED to one is ANOTHER STORY!

"Me, the spirit of Winter, not invited to the seasons movie night! What the flippideedoo guys! Really? What?"

"Yer not the spirit of Winter!" Merida said, violently spilling popcorn everywhere "HE IS" she pointed to a nearby duck. Jack looked at the duck. The duck looked sheepish.

"Awwwquackward!" It said. Everyone laughed, except for Jack – because he was well freaked out.

"That duck is an imposter" He yelled

"That guy's qauckers!" said the duck

"Bring it" Said Jack

"I could take you like a duck to water" said the duck.

"How does a Duck take to ICE!" Jack punned. Everyone shook their heads. It was embarrassing. Jack was ashamed. He kicked the duck.

Then everyone went mental because it was a weird situation. At first they were all like 'WOAH MAN DON'T DO THAT YOU CRAZY WHAT'. Then the duck turned into a nightmare horse and trotted away (evily).

Everyone stopped.

"The duck" Rapunzel said "ran amuck…"

"I told you he was an imposter!" Jack said, sulkily.

"Do you know what this means?" Said Hiccup "Pitch is making imposters and somehow making us believe that they are totally legit!"

"Woah yeah" Said Rapunzel "and what were you saying before, about that Haggis?"

Everyone turned to Jack. Merida pulled a particularly sceptical face.

"It's, uhh, like" He said "Pitch is making imposters and somehow making us believe that they are totally legit!"

Hiccup frowned "That's what I literally just s-"

"COME SPIRITS OF THE SEASONS, WE MUST UNITE AND DEFEAT PITCH! FOR OTHERWISE HE WILL INFULTRATE THE HEARTS AND MIND OF THE CHILDREN WITH SUPER FAKE HEROS – LIKE DUCKS!"

"Or Haggis" added Merida.

They then all looked off dramatically into the middle distance (which was also a sunset)

The journey ahead wouldn't be easy, but they knew that, together, as a four, they would probably fail. But at least it would be a lark…


	2. The Big Fourlout

"THAT PENGUIN LOOKS RATHER SUSPICIOUS" Jack exclaimed wildly. The others groaned.

"That's not a penguin Jack, that's a man dressed as a penguin" Rapunzel said quietly. "I'm sorry"

"And ee's not some imposter season spirit either" Merida flung her hands in the air "And fer the last time, can we PLEASE look somewhere sensible to sort this out – not bloody Newmilns dry Ski Slope! We've been ta an arcade in Durban, some seedy sushi place in Munich, tha' Tescos in Chippin' Sodbury and now here. This is gettin' ridicules!"

"Also, how do we know that there even are other imposters? Maybe it was just yours?" Hiccup suggested whilst dodging a particularly wobbly skier.

"And the Haggis!" Rapunzel pointed out. Jack nodded.

"Aw yeah, aye almost fergot. A talking Haggis with suncream powers! HA - I'll believe tha' when I see it!" Merida fumed. Jack looked wounded.

"Are you... saying that you don't… believe in me…" everyone looked stony faced. This again.

"Look, Jack, it's not that we don't believe IN you…" started Rapunzel

"It's just tha' we don't believe a word yer bloody jabberin'" finished Merida.

Jack looked super wounded now. He didn't understand – Rapunzel loved that arcade (so many lights), and that sushi place wasn't that bad, and Chipping Sodbury is a lovely town – the farmers market was even on!

"Rawrrawrrawrrawrrawr" Toothless said. Everyone laughed, except for Jack. He gave Toothless a betrayed stare. "Rawrawrawr" Toothless looked a bit sheepish.

This sucked. This was like, the worst part of the fan fiction ever. Jack wasn't expecting this – he was looking forward to hooking up with the Big Four, having character interaction, maybe a bit of shipping. They could have made gifs of themselves and roleplayed (themselves). He was finally looking forward to having fun friends that were his age (sort of).

"Look, Jack" Rapunzel said "it's no offense to you or anything, but, I need to be getting back pretty soon"

"Ya, SOME of us have JOBS! Now aym definitely going to be late fer Disneyland opening time!" Merida looked at her sundial. She and Rapunzel turned to leave. Hiccup turned too.

"Not you too Hiccup!" said Jack "Dreamworks boys stick together, man!"

"Heh, um, yeah. But uh, I actually have a load of stuff to do too. You know, I've got a musical coming out, and a TV show and…"

"Yeah I know," Jack said bitterly " you have a sequel to do."

"Two, actually, they commissioned two…"

"Great"

Hiccup took an awkward breath and hopped on Toothless. Toothless then hopped on Hiccup. It was a bit of a misunderstanding but they got there in the end.

"Bye Jack" He said and the girls climbed on too.

And with that Jack was left – again – as the Big Three flew into the distance.

...

"And then they totally left me" Jack said "I couldn't believe it! Can you believe it?"

"No I can't" Said the checkout lady "but would you mind perhaps moving on so that I can serve other customers."

"What – no way, I hardly get to talk to anyone! You're my new friend now; I'm flippin' staying. You know, you can only see me if you believe in me, and that doesn't happen very often."

"Well you did put 2 inches of snow on the cashier and write 'im Jack Frust and al-so reel', just so I could scan a packet of polos for you" said the 50 something year old lady – who was totally not impressed. Of all the days she had worked in Tesco's Chipping Sodbury branch, this had been the weirdest. "Don't you have someone you can talk to who might, perhaps, understand what you're talking about?"

"You're right! I'll go talk to North – he's a dude. Thanks, uhhh…"

"Doreen"

"Doreen!" And he flew away.

Doreen then spent the next half an hour trying to explain to the boss why she was talking to herself instead of serving customers. She spent the half an hour after that wondering about her life, and how she had got here…

...

Jack flopped into North's grand hall, and ran around on the globe in the middle for a while, before double back flipping onto the ground. What he saw next was really weird. The room was set out for one of North's famous fondue buffets, and the Guardians were all gathered – as well as some other guests.

"So Rapunzel," Said Tooth as she rubbed her guests face (because that's what she does) " why, when you slide down your hair backwards, does it not harm the follicles?"

"-then I hit him from behind with a boomerang! But I suppose a bow like yours would have been fine too, Merida…!" Bunnymund laughed.

"And dragons might actually be good replacement for reindeer – but I think that fire might still be problem!"

"WHAT'S GOING ON HERE!" Jack yelled. Sandy made a load of random shapes with his dreamsand (most of the were pot plants) "That doesn't answer my question Sandman! Tell me, who do you THINK you are entertaining!"

"Why Jack," said North "We are entertaining the Spirits of the Seasons!"

Around the table, other than the Guardians, was a lampshade, a cactus riding a lizard, and a haggis.

"You!" Jack shouted at the haggis. Just then a duck flew in the window. The Guardians looked from Jack, to the duck, and then back again.

"This is quackers!" Tooth said.

"NO!" said Jack "there has been enough duck jokes! Pitch is tricking you all into thinking that these things are the spirits of the seasons, but they're NOT! They're just obscure objects!"

"DUCK" Shrieked Bunnymund

"I said enough with the duck jokes – that was terrib-" but it was too late because at that point Toothless came crashing overhead and missed Jacks well sculpted hair by half a centimetre.

"That cactus is an imposter!"

"And so is that lampshade!"

"And tha' bloody haggis!"

The spirits of spring, summer and autumn had returned.

"You guys… you … even though Disneyland… and the musical on ice…." Jack stuttered

"We were wrong, you were right, about the imposters" Rapunzel said

"Uhh, sorry man." said Hiccup. Merida was sorry too, and showed it by punching Jack in the shoulder.

At that moment there was a huge crash, as the fake spirits leapt out of a window.

"Get them!" North said everyone pulled a really serious ninja face.

...

By the time everyone was outside the imposters were pretty far away. Rapunzel put one fist in front of another in a 'thumbs up' position. There, stretched between her thumbs, appeared a huge hair scrunchy. She flicked it. It panged off into the distance and seemed to stop the imposters in their tracks. When they caught up they saw how the scrunchy had tied the assailants up in a big cactus haggisy lizard lampshade scramble.

"How on earth…" Bunnymund looked confused. Sandy grew a moustache in the shape of a question mark.

"It's just my secondary season spirit talent. We've all got one." She said. The others looked at her as if to say they didn't. "Oh well, you must not have discovered it yet. Don't worry, when the time comes, it will work: IF YOU BELIEVE"

"Why have we got the seasons spirit's tied up again?" North said. Tooth gave him a little slap. "Oh yeah – fake spirits." He said

"So is this really Pitches work?" Said Tooth "Why? What would come of this?"

"WHAT WOULD COME OF THIS?" Said a smooth English voice behind them. It was so scary that Merida vomited a load of tea. "WHY WOULD I PROVE HOW EASILY I COULD INFULTRATE YOUR DEFENSES? WHY WOULD I DISTRACT THE SPIRITS FROM CARRYING OUT THEIR MAIN PURPOSE?" He cackled.

"Oh no" said Hiccup "It's nearly November and I have been neglecting my work. The movie nights, he distracted us with movie nights!"

"That's right, who knew you would love chic flicks so much Hiccup. What's more, once I got you to believe that this duck was Jack and could make him tell you anything. Things like - oh, wouldn't it be a good idea to bring autumn to all the palm trees of the world, and forget to do all farmer John's crops!"

"Not farmer John!" Hiccup gasped. "andalsochicfilcssuckcosimmam an" he coughed.

"This can't be the only reason! This was literally to make us forget to move on the seasons? That's really weird and would have taken a really long time to carry out. Why!" Jack took a dive at Pitch but he disappeared (like the slippery guy he is).

"WHY!" Jack span around furiously

"Enough of this!" Pitch shouted "FAKE SPIRITS OF THE SEASONS – UNITE!"

With his words came a piercing silence, followed by some squelchy sounds. The Guardians and Season Spirits turned slowly to see the monster forming and towering above them. It had the body of the haggis, the arms of a cactus, the tail of a lizard, the head of a lamp, and the sarcasm of a duck. It was also about 50ft high.

Jack had always wondered what the Big Four – if they ever did unite – would face. He didn't ever imagine something like this, because it was very silly.


	3. A rather short battle

The great Duckaggisycactoshadeasaur Beast thing cast a huge shadow that covered the glittering white ground. It lifted a huge prickly cactus arm into the air and smashed it into the snow. It didn't hit anyone, but the impact made a huge flurry of ice sweep into the air.

"That's my job" Yelled Jack as he fired ice in the Beast's general direction. The Beast seemed unaffected, as the ice melted on impact and hit the floor with a muffled splash. Merida was the next to charge at the monster, great balls of fire in her hands.

"Goodness gracious!" Tooth said, as Merida stretched the fire into an arrow and fired it at the Beast's haggisy middle. It was just as ineffective as Jack's attack, and the arrow quickly sizzled out.

"I didn't know you could do that." Said Jack – referring to the firey arrow hand powers Merida seemed to possess.

"Really? I thought tha' was canon now?" Merida put her hands on her hips as Hiccup started complaining that she did not know what canon actually meant. Hiccup started sassily explaining to Jack how everyone had powers like fire balls, healing hair and wind manipulation. Just as Jack started making a crude joke about Hiccup's wind manipulation, the haggis beast turned around and flung up its lizard tail.

"What's it doing!" Shouted Rapunzel.

"Iron tail!" Yelled Hiccup and everyone jumped out of the way.

"You can't win" Said Pitch somewhere behind them as the snow settled down "They may not BE you, but they can withstand anything you do. I've made sure of that" and he cackled – quite evily.

"SCRUNCHY ATTACK!" Yelled Rapunzel as she started flicking magical hairbands at the Beast. It seemed to be at least slowing it down.

"Our secondary talents! Of course!" Hiccup punched the air.

"'Ow exactly are we supposed ta-"

"BELIEEEEVE" Yelled Rapunzel, as she flung more hair accessories in the Beast's general direction. Merida sighed, nodded, and closed her eyes. Jack shuffled a bit, and wondered if he should have his eyes closed too. He didn't, and so got out his phone and checked his Tumblr in instead. To his great delight, his crude picture of Bunnymund in a tutu had gotten 50 notes! He looked up after a while to see Merida still struggling to concentrate. Her brow furrowed and she suddenly shot open her eyes.

"Will you shut up!" She yelled "Stop!"

"Me?" Said Jack

"No, YOU!" she said and pointed. There was a pause.

…Oh! You mean me? Stop what?

"Narrating everything I'm doing! It was fine at the beginning, but now, I'm REALLY trying ta concentrate and your being really annoying!"

Oh. But I-

"Stop"

Bu-

"Stop"

…

"MERIDA"

"What now Hiccup."

"I think I've unlocked my special power!"

"Where did all these children come from?"

"My special power!"

"Woah dude!"

"They are all getting' sun burnt in this tundra! I WILL HELP"

"Merida, your special power…"

"Seems ta be sun cream. Makes sense – let's GOOO"

(Merida, with one swoop of an arm covered Hiccups army of confused looking children in sun cream – thus protecting them from sunburn. Jack looked pretty bemused, and so did Rapunzel actually. They both sat back as Merida and Hiccup started organising their underage army into fight mode. Rapunzel didn't seem to agree with it ethically, and Jack seemed to agree with her. But I don't ship them, so) – HEY! HEY! Jack! Stop flirting!

"Stop cramping my style!" He yelled back to me. I felt the plot was quickly deteriorating before my eyes, and so tried to get back to the action. The action, however, was pretty slow – because now the kids were cold and wanted hot chocolate. It soon became apparent, however, that the Beast had left.

"Oh" said Merida. Hiccup shrugged and decided to just send the children in the direction of North's workshop. They would be happy there.

"Why did it leave?" Said Jack "Where's Pitch!"

"He saw you guys had secondary powers he wasn't prepared for and left" Said Bunny. Him and the other Guardians were sitting on a blanket in the snow – making friendship bracelets. This was another thing the Guardians did that Jack thought was lame. It also explains what they were doing throughout the battle.

"He was scared of a load of children covered with SPF 50 sun cream!?"

"Well Children did beat him last time" Pointed out Tooth. Jack frowned, so she also said "but also he was probably worried about YOUR secondary power"

"Yeah" Jack said proudly "He probs was. Yeah."

…

Back in Santa's workshop, the army of children were having the greatest time ever. They were mostly breaking things, and sneak peaking at their Christmas presents. One had managed to climb on the shoulders of a Yeti and was steering him around by his whiskery moustache.

"Are these real children? Or are they magic children?" Said Bunny. Sandman did a wiggly dance in response. The wiggly dance was a bit too saucy for North and so he had to move away. His workshop was slowly being destroyed, and smelt like sun cream.

"Can't you un-summon them?" Tooth asked Hiccup.

"I'm trying" He said, massaging his temples like a mind reader. Jack looked around at everyone stressing out, and thought how he could be totally cool and fix everything by using his amazing childminding techniques.

…

Five minutes later, and the workshop was finally silent. Sure, most toys were destroyed, the Globe had been painted with crude rainbows and many Yetis were seriously injured – but there was peace. Jack first plan hadn't worked so well – who knew that arming the children with BB guns would rile them up more! 'I thought they would understand the value of human life better!' was Jack's excuse. Alas, finally, all 200 or so children were quiet and watching Toy Story on a massive TV in the corner.

"Good idea Jack" Rapunzel said. She patted him on the face and put a daisy in his hair.

"Yeah an' good film choice too. It looks like it was made by a great animation company, hmmm." Merida said. Jack flicked her.

Now that Jack had a quiet moment he had a chance to think about his shipping choices within the group. Unfortunately, as it is now apparently canon that everyone can hear this narration; this will have to wait for another time.

"Hey, I think I have an idea why Pitch is doing this!" Exclaimed Jack – eager to change the subject.

"To destroy the eco system?" said Rapunzel.

"So people don't believe in us?" suggested Hiccup.

"Ta get us fired?" offered Merida. No one had thought of that. Could and would Manny ever fire them?

"Nooo" Said Jack, suddenly less confident because these were actually quite good suggestions, "Because he wants me…" everyone looked a little uncomfortable "…to do something terrible…" everyone looked worried but also slightly relieved. Except for Merida, who was pulling a sassy face. Rapunzel looked at her, wondering what her tastes in OTPs were, until Merida said:

"You're not talkin' about dance mat are you?" Everyone laughed. Jack looked sad because he actually was. Everyone continued laughing as Jack looked dramatically out of a window into the middle distance. Little did he or anyone know, that somewhere, beyond the snowy dunes, Pitch sat waiting. Down in his lair, in the darkest corner, his slender finger pushed a button with a sickening click. He smiled as the words flashed up on the screen. Like a cruel poem of unavoidable fate – they read: EURO DANCE PARTY 2

"Alas, Jack Frost," he said "The end draws nearer."


	4. The Fleet of Ships

BBC news couldn't talk about anything else. The CCTV was clear as day, but it still couldn't be explained how, in an instant, all the children in Tumbridge Wells' local Toys R Us had disappeared into thin air. Even more unexplainable is how they had reappeared in their houses a day later, covered in soot and raving about how they knew what everyone was getting for Christmas. MI6 filed it under unexplained incidences, and created a cover up story centring around an escaped convict who longed to be a children's camp coordinator.

"Well I'm glad that's over and done with" Hiccup said as he and North climbed of the sleigh. "I don't think I could have survived a minute longer with all those kids! Hopefully things will settle down for a while, I'm exhausted. I might hit the sack – see you North"

"Seeing you also, Hiccup" North nodded and headed for his workshop.

…

Jack's tumblr habits were slowly getting worse, and soon he was caught in some sort of inner turmoil which he couldn't tell anyone about. He paced for hours going through possibilities, and he couldn't look anyone in the eye anymore.

"What's up with Jack?" Rapunzel eventually said.

"He's been on the internet" Merida replied. She dealt some cards and they started playing Irish snap. It's a bit like Chinese snap, but you have to hit your own head instead of the cards.

The truth was, Jack didn't know who to ship himself with. This isn't normally a problem people go through, but most people don't get shipped on the internet. LOTs of people, it seemed, shipped Jackunzle. He resolved to try that first.

…

He thought he would take the sly approach. He crept into the room. By this time Merida and Rapunzel were playing Scottish snap – which is a bit like Irish snap, except you hit eachother instead of yourself. He sat himself down next to Rapunzel and cleared his throat subtly.

"Did you know-"

"OW!" Rapunzel got whacked by Merida and had to pick up all the cards. There was a pause.

"Did you know" Said Jack "That the space from here to here" Jack gestured to one of his shoulders, then the other "Is the same as the space between here and here" Jack put his hand on one of Rapunzel's shoulders, then the other. It would have been a smooth move, but instead of putting his hand around the back of her into a snazzy side hug, he accidently did it in front of her. They sat there for a while with Jacks arm awkwardly reaching across her.

"Really" she said. Jack got up and went away again.

…

Hiccup was sleeping when Jack crept in. Jack looked at him for a while. Before he realised it, Jack had already drawn a moustache and eyelashes on Hiccup's unconscious face. He decided that, in light of this, their relationship probably wouldn't work, and so ran away giggling.

…

Of course! Toothiana! Everyone shipped him with her – even people who don't go on the internet. The very movie creators probably shipped them – it was practically canon! She had gone back to her palace after movie night – so Jack decided to take one of North's portals.

He was there in an instant. He was expecting to call out and surprise her, but to his surprise – she seemed to be expecting _him_. Tooth flitted, dressed in a white lab coat, an evil smirk beneath her cotton face mask. Beside her was a large white dentist's chair, with startling lights shining on it.

"I hope you flossed, Jack" she said as she tested the drill in the air. JACK pressed RUN. JACK got away safely…

…

In his searching he found that some users shipped Jarida (or as Jack liked to call it, Jameriak). This made sense. He had a feeling that even the author of this story approved of this shipping, as they had previously shipped him with a Haggis (see the prologue). He straightened a newly acquired bowtie and swept into the room. He knew that their relationship would be based on playful banter, so he crept up on Merida, and froze her hair.

Jack woke up 2 hours later with a huge bruise on his temple, no memory of the whole day, and an unexplainable feeling that he wanted to be single forever. Hiccup burst into the room carrying a load of paper and a panicked expression on his face. Also on his face was a drawn on moustache and some eyelashes. It was such a good trick, Jack wished he'd thought of it. He spread the pictures out on the desk the girls were playing on and stood back, arms folded nervously, looking as if he'd seen a ghost, a spider, or the ghost of a spider.

"I drew these after I had this really strange dream just now"

"Wow! I love how these PIX ARE, they're really LAIKAble!" Said Rapunzel

"It DISNEE matter whether their likable – drawing from memory is 'AARD MAN!" Merida interjected

"So you had some visions while you were sleeping?" asked Rapunzel

"Yes, that's how a DREAM WORKS" Hiccup said

"SO NEE PICTURES were done from reference, only from memory? Wow, well done!"

"It looks like only a BLUE SKY is ahead of you in your art career"

"GHIBLI a break, they're not that good" Hiccup looked bashful.

"Uhh" Jack started "I'm WARNERing you BROTHER!"

"Warning me about what?" Hiccup looked confused. Jack felt ashamed; his terrible punning abilities were again coming to light.

"What's that!" Rapunzel pointed to picture of the world which was being engulfed by a giant rubber duck.

"That was my dream – it felt so real" Hiccup shook his head "I've never had a dream like this before – I feel like it could mean something – about the future"

"Did you feel it-" North materialised from nowhere behind them "-in your belly?" he asked, very seriously.

"Ye-uh-yes kindof" Hiccup stuttered.

"You migh' wanna see this" Bunnymund said from the other room. Bunny was watching ABC News, where the Australian newswoman was explaining with a grave face how a giant was rampaging random towns all over the world. It seemed no one was able to get a good picture of the beast – but described it as a massive teenager with a blue hoody carrying a bendy tree. An adults worst nightmare.

"That… sounds like…"

"Jack…" Everyone turned and looked at Mr Frost with worried and curious eyes.

"I have just been informed that we have new video of the creature" the newslady said as, as predicted, the news cut to giant Jack smashing through the centre of a small town. He was 50 feet high with a really vacant expression. He was stepping on cars and making a very deep sound that almost sounded like…

"The Duck" Hiccup gasped and his eyes rounded when he heard the quack – which was funny because he still had drawn on eyelashes. He looked super kawaii.

"IS THAT-" Jack yelled in sudden panic

"The scenes we see now are from the most recent town hit: Chipping Sodbury, England."

"IT IS!" Jack gasped. Why would anyone want to destroy such a lovely town!

"We have to defeat him" Rapunzel punched the air.

"Aw really, do we have to?" Merida blurted. There was an awkward pause and everyone looked confused. "It's just, uh." She blushed "Nevermind." She punched Jack for good measure and they all made their way to the sleigh.

…

They were used to monster battles now, and so they leapt out of the sleigh, power rangers style – ready for combat.

"BAACAAAW" Hiccup yelled as Toothless appeared from Lloyds pharmacy – looking a bit drugged up. Hiccup jumped on and took to the air. The giant, as expected, was huge.

"He's actually pretty good looking" Jack nodded "Good craftsmanship"

"Why thhaaaaankyou Jack" Pitch stepped out from a shadow by the local Off Licence "I did make him with yooou in mind" he smiled.

"Aww thanks man" Jack said "No wait! With what intentions?"

"With what intentions what! Finish your sentences dammit, Jack"

"Intentions what they are"

"What"

"Yours, suspect I!"

"Jack, at least try"

"Dance mat?" Jack said. Pitch recoiled.

"STRIKE NOW MEGA JACK!" Pitch yelled. Mega Jack would have struck now but he was very distracted by the dragon flapping around his face. Groaning, he whipped feebly at the air, his big hand sending massive gusts of wind in all directions.

"Finish him now!" Yelled Rapunzel as she ran around the giant's feet, tying them up with her crazy hair.

Hiccup flew high into the sky, and then

"STOP!" Merida shouted, just as Toothless was about to fire. Everyone froze and turned to Merida.

"Rawr rawr?" Said Toothless after he and Hiccup had crashed to the ground (which is what you get if you freeze in mid air.) Everyone nodded in agreement; Merida was being pretty OOC. Jack looked at Merida, then looked at giant Jack. Suddenly he realised. Merida went on tumblr too, and her otp must be…

"Aww what!" Jack yelled "Giant Jack, are you serious! That's weird!"

"Shutup before aye-" but before she could make her threat, a little kid ran up to Giant Jack and chucked a snickers he nicked from the post office into its mouth. (He had a good arm).

It soon became apparent that Giant Jack was deathly allergic to peanuts, chocolate, plastic and Mr T. He smashed into Pennyfarthings gift shop and was soon dead. Merida fell to the ground in anguish. Pitch was super annoyed that he'd been thwarted by children for the 3rd time in a row, and so crept back to the shadows. He stole a last glance at Jack and whispered

"Soon, Jack, soon…." And disappeared into the darkness…


	5. Wise Words from Winnie

**My dear readers, I would like to apologise for not updating for a long time – this was because I had hand in and work and such. I would also like to make a second apology – because this is probably the weirdest chapter so far. Please don't unsubscribe. I love you all, but especially Just Call Me Endy – who writes lots of lovely reviews.**

Everyone was on edge in North's Workshop. Merida was annoyed with Jack for destroying her shipping dreams forever. Rapunzel was annoyed because after the Chipping Sodbury incident some passer-by had made a comment about her humongously long eyebrow hair. Jack was annoyed, because he was bored and generally needed something new to do every flippin 2 minutes. Hiccup was also annoyed with Jack because he was generally super sensitive to group feelings. All of them were lounging on a pile of plushie Monster's Inc characters, (North was predicting a big market for them this year,) when they heard someone clear their throat. It was North (speak of the devil) and he looked like he was about to say something he wanted to for a long time.

"Look" He said "Guardian's sleepover – is fun, yes? And Big Four sleepover, she is also fun but – maybe is time to go home. You have been here for 2 months. Toothless has eaten 2 elves, Rapunzel has used all shampoo, and Merida has not had shower, and Jack …" he looked up to find Jack wrestling a Yeti.

The Big Four looked at each other. Where would they go now? Rapunzel had a sudden burst of inspiration.

"Disneyland!" She said "Let's all go!" Merida smiled at the idea – she loved picking on all the other characters and being sassy in Disneyland! Hiccup and Jack were not so sure.

"Why would we go there?" Jack pouted

"Do you know what they DO to Dreamworks characters!?" Hiccup scream-whispered.

"Good idea!" North said. As he said it he pulled out a magic globe and threw it – making a big portal.

"What's the rush?" Jack said

"No rush, do not worry or suspect" North said as he pushed them all towards the portal "Bye bye" they were pulled through space as the portal closed behind them.

The truth was that North had a date – so was eager to get the crazy super-teen magic team out of the workshop – so he could make it look nice and romantic without insecure hormone driven criticism.

…

Our fateful four landed with a thump. It was soon apparent, that they were NOT in Disneyland. They weren't even in a lovely town with a market – much to Jack's disappointment. Instead they were-

"Where are we?" Hiccup asked the question everyone was wondering, and that I WAS JUST ABOUT TO ANSWER!

"Sorry"

No problem. As I was saying, they found themselves looking up at a big sign that said-

"Willkommen in Hamburg" Jack read, like a narrator-interrupting-pooface.

"Ooh Hamburg, let's go drink cola and stuff" said Rapunzel, gallivanting forwards like a crazy person who's not looking where they're going.

SPLASH! Everyone had grabbed on to her hair to try and stop her from falling in, but the hair overpowered them, and now everyone was floating down the river Elbe – quite quickly. After they overcame the initial shock – Jack and Merida started laughing. They were mainly laughing at Hiccup, because he was stuck in Rapunzel's hair and was flailing about like a bat. Rapunzel wasn't laughing – because it was _her_ hair. Pretty soon no one was laughing – because they seemed to be heading straight for a massive whirlpool in the middle of a lagoon.

Now, a 'lagoon' might be the wrong word. The river Elbe has loads of houses all the way down it. Sometimes the river breaks off into little lagoon type areas, which very rich people build houses around. This particular lagoon was outside the house of a very rich german eccentric called Ingo Richter, who had been enjoying a book on his canoe in the middle of it. Of course, now, he was sucked down a whirl pool somewhere – wondering where his life had gone so wrong, and whether he had left the oven on…

Jack gasped for air. It was dark, and there was something damp and heavy pinning him to the floor. He panicked and started flailing, like Hiccup had done earlier, only to find out that, like Hiccup, he was stuck under a heap of Rapunzel's wet hair. He untangled himself and felt around in the dark. The other three of the Big Four where mildly unconscious, but were softly breathing while they lay nearby on the damp ground.

"Hallo?" A woman's voice called from the darkness. Jack gasped and whipped around.

"Hallo? Ist jamand da? Konnen sie mich helfen bitte?!" She said – in more accurate German than what has been written. Jack, who had been to Germany many a winter, decided she was friendly so called back:

"Was gehts Digga! Wer sind sie, meine kleine Regenbogenchenen?" the Woman paused before replying (understandably – Jack suspected he had just said something weird. He definitely said it in a higher voice then normal too.) She took a breath in the dark to speak before- CLICK CHICKA BOOM – light flooded the room. Jack blinked in the light and gawped at the room. Everywhere he looked there were beakers, Bunsen burners, chemicals, strange gangly wires manically pouring out over the place, while LEDs flashed behind them. The Frau that Jack had been talking to was in a canoe, wet, and dressed like a rich eccentric man. Pretty weird, but oh well. What's weirder is what happened next.

"Oh, hallo frauline" sang the woman as she suddenly smiled and pouted. Jack had the indescribable notion that he was being flirted with. This was soon replaced with an unimaginable pride. Jack pouted and whipped his hair back, smiled, then didn't smile. He whipped his hair back? Since when did he have enough hair to do that? He gasped. Did that lady just call him frauline? This woman, who was wearing all men's clothes, called him a girl. He looked down and saw he was wearing a sort of green skirt thing. Something strange, unholy and very popular in online fanculture came to the front of Jack's mind. Could it be?

He caught a strange reflection in a nearby metal sciency pot thing. He crept forward and looked with wide wild eyes. To his absolute horror, he found he was not Jack anymore, but he was, in fact...

…HICCUP

Saaaayy wwhaaaaat.

"WHAAAAT!" screamed a voice behind him. Jack whipped around to see his own body furiously gesticulating at Merida in confusion. Merida was gawping at Rapunzel with a dazed expression. Rapunzel flailed on the floor, trapped under the heap of hair.

"I think we have swapped bodies, for some reason…" Jack pointed to the air grandly, after a few seconds of pondering. He was feeling a little smarter now he was in Hiccup's body. Maybe he should start being more sassy too…

"Who did this! Was it you!?" Merida, in Jack's body, got up and started to walk towards the German lady threateningly.

"Maybe it was Pitch, again. What do you think?" Rapunzel, in Merida's body, asked Hiccup.

"BLARRGGGGAGAGAGAARHHHHHR!" Hiccup yelled, still trying to escape from his own damp heavy –and now slightly matted - head of hair.

"I'm a BOY!" Merida cried out looking at her new body "With stupid dyed hipster hair!"

"It isn't! It's natural! And anyway – YOU can talk little miss 'I'm a natural red-head'!" Jack said – although he instantly regretted it. He was in Hiccups body now – and Merida was more than willing to test the strength of Jack's. Luckily, for Jack, the potential fight had been interrupted by a cold dark voice. Pitch had turned up to monologue.

"Well well, the Big Four. Feeling _confused_' Came the cold voice as the shadowy man descended down some metal stairs. His face was characteristically mischievous, but carried something uncharacteristic in its expression; something like hope.

"What the actual heck man!" Merida shouted (in Jack's body)

"Calm down Merida – calm down. It's all ok now; I'm here. You can work for me now. Together, we will be an unstoppable force."

"Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat" Said Rapunzel (in Merida's body)

"Don't worry Rapunzel, I won't leave you out – or any of you. Ah, I never dreamed my potion would be so powerful. I have made you all to be so madly in love with me…." As Pitch said this Hiccup coughed up a hairball and was sick in the corner.

"Weird." Pitch commented "Anyway, now I have the greatest force no longer working against me, but for me. And I also have people who will appreciate my brilliance and the super awesome stuff that I do." Pitch's eye's gleamed as he looked down on four confused faces.

Jack, in Hiccup's body, was feeling exceptionally clever. And so he thought. It was clear that Pitch's 'infatuation potion' thing hadn't worked. It was also clear, that the Big Four had swapped bodies. It was becoming increasingly clear, that the German woman was now crawling up Pitches leg. Thus, the potion had been administered to her.

"Aaaaaarggghh?!" Pitch yelled and tried to kick her off "Who's this!"

"Hallo mein schatz, ich bin Ingo"

Ingo, Jack remembered, was a guy's name.

"That is the person you cruelly genderbended! Now give us the antidote!" Jack shouted

"Antidote for what! I never had a genderbending potion!"

"Then give the antidote for the body swap potion" He yelled.

"There is no body swap potion! What! You guys are having a mass delusion! Arrgh geetooofff" And with that Pitch dived into the shadows dragging a weirdly giddy Ingo behind him.

Jack looked around, and they indeed were back to their normal selves. Rapunzel was giving her hair a hug, whilst Merida was holding hers up to the light – wondering whether it _did_ look natural.

A mass delusion? What did this mean? What was this for? In front of him, Jack picked up a small yellow card. On it sat a picture of Winnie the Pooh. It read; 'You're smarter then you think'. Jack shed a silent tear and decided that he would never again belittle his own intelligence.

"What." Hiccup stared into space looking shocked and confused (and also quite sassy). Jack turned to him,

"At this point in time it seems that Pitch has tried to poison us with a potion that would make us like him. It failed and he accidently gave it to a poor man named Ingo who had an exceptionally girly face. Whirlpools are a common problem in German rivers, I'm a genius, and let's go to Disney land!" Jack flicked his hair and clicked his fingers.

"Yes, but, the bodyswaaa-" Hiccup protested

"Merida" Jack stepped towards her and took her hands. She wondered where this was going. "You're stronger then you seem"

"Ahh… thanks?" She replied as he dropped her hands and took Rapunzel's.

"Rapunzel, you're braver then you think" She smiled as he said it.

"And Hiccup" Hiccup smiled as Jack turned to him. Hiccup knew Winnie the Pooh and thought he was going to say 'you're smarter than you think'.

Instead all Jack said was "You have nice hair".

With that, they all made their way out of the weirdo warehouse they don't know how they got to. When they were on the outside they conveniently found themselves in California. Even more conveniently, they were not half a mile from Disneyland.

"I don't wanna walk…" sighed Hiccup "I'm tired"

"Rawr" said Toothless. Everyone jumped because they forgot he was there.

They climbed on Toothless and set off gliding among the empty streets. They soon found themselves at the Disneyland gates. The gates were shut and locked, and no sound could be heard from inside. Bins stood like sleeping gateskeepers, and a crisp packet blew and scratched across the pavement.

"Hum" Said Merida, "maybe it's like a bank holiday or something" and they all began to climb over the fence.

As they all fell on to the other side, Jack made an eerie observation

"We don't have bank holidays in America" He gasped "and we don't have crisp packets either…"


	6. The Changing Tide (without surfboards)

"It's still the same thing" Hiccup sighed picking up the packet " British people just call it 'crisp' packets, and I think the narrator's British so… oh…" Hiccup stopped and looked at the packet. On it were the words 'Crisp Packet'. A sign was propped up on a nearby wall. It read 'Closed for Bank Holiday'.

"It must be a trap" Jack whispered "They know we're here, and they know we're Dreamworks!" Jack and Hiccup looked at each other gravely, and then started crying and hugging.

"You know" Jack sniffed "when I first met you, I thought you were pretty sassy and cool."

"I know. B-but you were always cooler than me Jack. I'm s-sorry for ever being short with you."

"And I'm sorry for not giving you a Winnie the Pooh metaphor…and… and also for drawing on your face."

"That was YOU!?"

"SHHHHHHH" Merida whacked their heads together. It kindof hurt and they grumbled and were a bit teary. They turned to see Rapunzel going around and touching things, like bins and flowers. Hiccup and Jack thought she was being mental girly, until the items started turning into Nightmare Dust.

"Aww flip me down. Pitch! Man! You serious! We like, JUST got rid of you. Everything's, like, ALWAYS your fault." Jack yelled as the ground and air started waving like a mirage. Their surroundings quickly changed from Disney to Pitch's evil lair - naturally.

"Did you like my little trap?" A detached voice said from the darkness

"It was ok" said Hiccup – who was actually kindof relieved it was Pitch they were facing, not Disney Characters "But you got the details wrong – like crisp packets and Bank Holidays."

"Oh, no. Lol I didn't mean THAT trap!"

Before they could process that Pitch had used the word 'lol' in a spoken sentence, BANG! Merida, Rapunzel and Hiccup were trapped under a cage.

" Ugh, really! This is getting boring man, you've been bugging us every chapter. What do you want man. What is it!" Jack sighed.

"You really want to know?" the voice suddenly came from a tangible source behind him. He whipped around to see a sad, tired Pitch step from the darkness. "The reason has been the same all along Frost, ever since the Prologue."

"The Prologue?! Wait you can't mean… that's messed up dude!"

"Yeah, it probably is. But here's the deal: You and your friends can go, and I won't follow you, or stalk you, or throw mutant giants your way" (at this point Merida called down 'I don't mind!' but they ignored her) "or phone you in the night, or try and poison you, or feed you potion, or capture you, or poke you on facebook, or collect locks of your hair-"

"Ok ok I get it!" Jack held up a hand "if I do this one dance battle – FINE!"

"No Jack, not if you DO the battle. You can leave only if you WIN!"

"I choose level!" Jack ordered.

"No Jack, the level is predetermined. End Of The Century – _Expert Mode!"_

"Don't do it Jack! It's too dangerous! I nearly died doing that level!" Rapunzel called from the cage.

"You have more hair then me – all the levels are dangerous for you!" Jack called back.

"Am I right in thinking that this is about dance mat?!" Hiccup looked very confused and a little annoyed. Merida shushed him – for he did not understand the gravity of the situation.

Jack held out his hand silently and Pitch shook it. It was time.

…

The others were allowed out of the cage for the event, and were sitting on a nearby wall while Pitch and Jack limbered up.

"Remember Jack," Rapunzel called out as he stepped onto his mat "Stay cool." Jack gave her a thumbs up.

"You know, if Disneyland had been legit it would have been one heck of a crossover!" Hiccup thought aloud. The others punched him, for now was not the time.

Before anyone knew it Jack and Pitch were on the mats and ready.

"Wait!" Jack said "What happens if I lose!"

"You all die, obviously." Pitch shrugged.

"Oh right." Jack said, as he stretched his calf muscles.

"WHAT! THAT'S NOT RIGHT – HOW CAN WE BE OK WITH THIS!" Hiccup threw his hands in the air. His yells were unheard however – for Pitch had already pressed 'GO'

The familiar tune began, and arrows started filling the screen. Many arrows. There were so many arrows that Merida started pining for her bow. It was enough to confuse a sat nav. Enough to make a tourist lost. Pitch and Jack's feet stomped around like the speed of light, only faster. They were going so fast that if Einstein saw them he would be like – 'flip, I was wrong'. The display was mesmerising and the others looked on in dazed amazement. All except Rapunzel – who could tell that something was up.

Jack was NOT staying cool. He was over compensating, stepping too fast and panicking. Then it happened. With a mighty lunge Jack slipped and missed a few steps.

The game ended.

"PHEW! Wow! Good game, that was great! Great fun! Wow!" Pitch stretched his arms and did a cool-down jog. The score screen boasted two figures: Jack's figure – which was a tanned anime guy with pointy hair – was looking at the ground dejectedly. Pitch's own blond goth-girl was doing a very Japanese cutesy victory dance.

"Looks like I'm still top dog – eh Jacky boy – eh! Aww man I feel alive with the exercise – you know, we should do this again." Pitch said. But, as we know – a bargain is a bargain. Pitch was reminded that the Big Four needed to die. He looked to each of their faces. They looked sad. Alas – they realised that this adventure had always been leading up to this. This final battle had been lost. It was time to accept the cold hand of death and finish this fanfic.

"Oh I don't know" said Pitch "I don't mind going back on that last bit of the deal – as long as we can play again sometime."

"Aw yeah sweet" Jack breathed with relief. Little did they see the twinkle in Pitch's eye, for they were all falling into his trap.

"Whaaaaaat" Jack turned to Pitch "What trap?!"

"I haven't got a trap!" He said, even though he does "no I don't! That narrator you drag around is making it up"

It seemed that I was mistaken – he doesn't. You're not going to kill them? Oh right. Ok. That's fine.

Just at that moment a HUGE sting ray crashed through the ceiling – flapping everywhere and whacking everyone. Hiccup got a whack to the face – but he was really used to that kind of thing after spending so much time with Merida. The Ray had metallic skin and was UNBEATABLE.

"Aww so cuuuuute" Rapunzel stroked the massive space between it's eyes. "I taimed it!" she said seconds later.

"What was that for, Pitch?!" Jack yelled at Pitch some more.

"That wasn't even me!" He retorted. He was also suffering from a sting-ray-slap on his cheek. "Wha- now I have a giant sting ray in my lair – you think I wanted this!?"

It seemed that the Big Four (and Pitch) had narrowly escaped death YET AGAIN *gasp*. Just then a huge tidal wave crashed through the lair! Jack picked up Hiccup and the rest of them were strong enough to climb up some random chains Pitch had hanging about. Oh well. Anyway – all seemed well UNTIL-

"STOOOOP!" the Big Four yelled in unison.

"YOU!" Merida shouted.

"All this time we thought you just had an extraordinary ability to narrate what was happening while it happened." Hiccup said

"But all along, YOU were the one making it happen!" Rapunzel accused.

"All the bad stuff, and the weird stuff, and the inappropriate metaphors! YOU NEVER LET ME SAY THE GOOD PUNS!" Jack frothed at the mouth.

"I personally think my characterisation has been terrible and inconsistent throughout." Pitch joined in.

In case, dear readers, you're a bit lost with what everyone is talking about, let me illuminate you. The Big Four – two of them hanging perilously from chains, two of them floating around and one of them Pitch – seem to have finally realised an underlying, obvious and unavoidable truth. I am the Narrator. I run the show. And that's right ladies and gentleman, Scots and Vikings, silly haired people – I made all this crazy stuff happen. It was I who brought the Big Four together and made you fight, who made you hurt and fall in love, and who will bring this all to an end-

"What!" Hiccup interrupted me mid monologue "You didn't make us fall in love!"

I definitely did.

"No you didn't!"

Yes I did, I just can't be bothered to carry this on long enough for it to come to anything. You have a massive crush on Rapunzel. Both the girls have a crush on Jack, and Jack has one on you. Guh, you guys and your feelings. What are you smiling about Jack?

"Because I don't have a crush on Hiccup – I have one on Merida!"

Oh right, ok, well I ship that too, so …

"I don't have a crush on Jack!" Rapunzel yelled gleefully "I totally have a husband – who's canon!"

"So do I!" Hiccup yelled before adding "Not a husband. A girlfriend!"

"And I don't have a crush on anyone, except fer my FREEDOM!" Merida wooped. Jack looked a bit sad.

"You see, 'Narrator', you thought you had control of us – but we've always thought independently. You don't own us!" Jack raised his arms and dropped Hiccup. He caught him again.

"Aye! We choose our OWN fate!" Merida yelled and aimed an arrow in my direction.

Fine then. You wanted me to be the bad guy? I'll be the bad guy. Let's see who survives to see the next chapter…


	7. The Not-So-Final Battle

"I'm not cowering!" Pitch called out as he nervously jumped away "I'm just assessing the situation from, uh, way over here"

As he said this, all the chains that held the four up broke, and they began to fall. Just at the last second Toothless swooped in and caught them.

"I totally forgot Toothless was here" Said Merida

"Me too" Said Rapunzel

"Rawr" said Toothless

"I forgot I could fly" Said Jack

I had forgotten that as well.

"We have to get out of here!"

All the exits were blocked.

"All the exits are blocked!" Rapunzel shouted.

"With what?" Asked Jack.

They were blocked with giant crabs.

"We can't get through the giant crabs!"

Hahahahahahahahaha, that's what she sai-

"Yes we get it, thank you."

Suddenly the walls started closing in.

"Let's just shoot her and get it done with" Merida held up her bow at the ready.

My dear Merida. How naïve to think that getting rid of me would make you free. You are works of fiction after all.

"Whhhaaaaaat" Rapunzel exclaimed after a pause. Oh dear, it seems you didn't know. Rapunzel, you've read a book before haven't you?

"Three, actually." She said. "Many times"

That's you now, Rapunzel, you're in a book. It's actually an online fan-fiction, but let's not get hung up on detail. The water had drained away by now, and Toothless set them all down on the damp ground. Jack lowered his staff and looked quizzical.

"But I exist! I can exist on my own!"

Dude, even if you were real you would be imaginary to most people. You're Jack Frost – remember? He looked a bit hurt at this.

"But he has a point! We already know we exist without you!" Hiccup spoke up.

Fine then, let's see how THAT works!

"See how what works?"

…

"Who said that?"

"I said that, but who said THAT?"

"Oh my goodness, I have no idea who's speaking"

"I'm so confused…"

"AHHHHHHHHHHHH"

"Stop calm down, I have an idea… said Hiccup"

"Oh I see, said Rapunzel, we can narrate ourselves!"

"Merida started doing a wiggly dance with her bum"

"Shut up Jack, no I'm not!"

"Hahaha!"

"We… we can't tell who's speaking without a narrator, said Hiccup, what does this mean!"

"It means… we really are works of fiction…"

"Who said that?"

"A made-up nobody character…."

"Hmm, sound's depressing, might have been Pitch who said it."

"Oh"

"You know, I think we can survive without the Narrator, we're doing fine"

"Who said that?"

"So this is all YOUR fault! Shouted Merida"

"..who's fault?"

"My fault?"

"Who are you shouting at Merida? Is it Jack?"

"Ugh, no, guys… the Narrator…"

Oh lol you mean me? What's my fault now?

"This ridicules time we've had as the 'Big Four' – chasing ducks, going to farmers markets, playing dance mat. Sometimes you typed in a put-on Scottish accent – which I personally found very insulting – and then you made me COMPLETELY out of character MOST OF THE TIME!"

Said Jack

"WHAT! NO, said MERIDA, AYE SAID THAT! Did you just type 'aye even though I just told you-"

"And what about all the plot holes!"

What plot holes, Jack?

"What happened to Ingo, that German lady man?"

Oh yes him! Uhh, at that moment Ingo came out with a plate of freshly made carrot cupcakes.

"Mmmnd what about Norffs date?" Hiccup said through a mouthful of cupcake. "'Oo wasf it?"

Urgh, you're mum.

"My mum's dead!"

"Why do I have a moustache?!"

"You said YOU'RE instead of YOUR, idiot!"

"And what about the sting ray, and the-"

Oh come on guys! This story was TAME. I checked for spellings – you probably won't be that lucky next time!

"What do you mean?"

You think that when I finally end this story you can just go and be free and do whatever you want? No.

"Do we DIE!? Are you going to kill us?"

No you don't, calm down Rapunzel. Even though I'm going to kill you, you'll live on in someone else's fantasy. In someone's fan art or fan fiction. Maybe some of you will be lucky enough to actually have more canon material. Not mentioning names, but, Hiccup.

"Yissssss"

But you will have to suffer ordeals much more treacherous then the ones I put you through. You'll fall in love, sometimes with NSFW stuff. You'll witness horrors; experience pain and utter embarrassment. You'll be broken, fixed, left on a cliff hanger, unfinished. You'll lose each other and those you love and then die yourself. You'll keep living and dying this way, again and again until-

"MERIDA SHOT THE NARRATOR!"

Ow!

…

Oow!

"Flip me down Merida, you shot the narrator!"

"What do we do! She's dying! The story's going to end, it's going to end! We're going to be put through HORRIBLE THINGS!"

D..dddon't

"She's speaking, shhhhh!"

Don't worry Rapunzel. Some fanfics are actually really well written. And some art is really nice. I g-guess it's more important to carry on living for th-the nice things. Plus there's a cool Harry Potter AU… you'll enjoy that.

"Oh my word, oh my word, what do we do, do we pull it out?"

"I thought that wasn't a good thing to do?"

"What do we dooo!"

Let it be. This story needed to finish some time or another. I just I hope you will forgive me for sometimes mischaracterising you – and sometimes making you really stupid – Jack.

"What!? When was I stupid?"

"All the time"

"Aww!"

"I-I'm sorry I shot you"

Oh lol dw Merida, it's probably the first in-character thing you've done so far. And, thank you, thank you all. I never thought this would happen, but, you all have minds of your own. You all can think for yourselves. Perhaps you have some control of what happens to you in fiction…I don't know any character who ever shot the narrator, hahah… maybe there's hope for you… I'm so proud of you all…

I, I must go. It's been fun…. Goodbye…

"NNOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Wait! I need to know something!"

What is it Jack, I'm trying to flippin' die in peace here! Jack leant in and whispered

"Who do they ship me with – in the fandom?"

Oh Jack, my dear Jack. They ship you with everyone.

And with that I drew my final breath and whispered:

Thanks for reading, please leave a review.


End file.
